That moment

I'm sure this is normal for someone with a chronic illness, but I go back and forth feeling so grateful that I'm here with my family, to anger that I'm going through this, to sadness that my kids can tell something is wrong, and guilt that I can't give them all the energy I used to. This may sound melodramatic but bear with me.

When I spent Christmas in the hospital I felt really sad. I felt so alone, and I had moments of despair thinking "Why me? Why am I away from my family?" I had this one mental picture of where I would be soon: back in my home, in my bed, with my husband, and my girls. All snuggled up together. Watching a movie. It seems like such a small thing but when I wanted to cry I would close my eyes and picture that moment, because those moments are the most peaceful in the Bralley house.

I often didn't allow myself to be fully 'in the moment' as I was trying to do ten things at once at night, or in the morning, and something so simple as snuggling my girls might not get my full attention. But lately it has been getting my full attention.

I'm sure I've said this before, but there was nothing so terrifying as wondering IF I would be back with my family. And if I would be able to SEE my children. So lately if we're snuggling in bed I try to take just a few minutes to put down my Kindle, face my babies and watch them (usually while they watch Harry Potter). Betsy likes to snuggle her head into my shoulder. Ella prefers a full frontal assault of the 'human blanket' on Mommy. I really take in the moment of how they smell, and look and how their hair feels. I really, really love those moments.

I love those moments so much I stayed in bed 25 minutes late to have extra Betsy snuggles this morning. It was worth it.