The Monsters

Poor Ella can't catch a break with her ears. She's had several ear infections in a row and we finally got a referral for the ENT doctor to discuss having tubes put in her ears. She's such a happy girl but I can tell her ears bother her and I really, really don't want her to suffer hearing loss with her ear infections so I would rather be pushy (I prefer proactive) and get them sooner rather than later.

She still such a little one, just over 20 pounds. But she's very coordinated, loves to walk herself from the house to the car, from the car in to daycare, and carry her own lunch or snack. Ella is the sweetest thing ever. She loves to give kisses, hugs for mommy, she loves to tickle Betsy and they play chase around the house. She loves to dance and clap to music. I love that kid!


Oh the Betsy monster. She is precious too. She is VERY independent. Both the girls are. She likes to be the leader (she tells us all the time, I'm the leader, follow me). She loves being with Ella and her cousins William and Hudson. She's like a mini adult, reminding us to "Be careful" and "Don't drop it". I overhear her with Ben having deep conversations all the time and they crack me up. This was one of my favorites last week:

Ben: What did you do at school today?
Bets: I ate dirt.
Ben: You ate dirt?
Bets: Yeah, it's yummy.
Ben: Like on the playground?
Bets: Yeah, dirt with worms. Slimey worms.
Ben: That's so gross, don't eat dirt.
Bets: It's yummy, and Anna's mommy brought it for snack time. I eat dirt, DADDY.
Ben: So not REALLY dirt, it was like cookies or something. Right?
Bets: NO DAD. I EAT DIRT.

She also loves playing games, we're on a candyland kick lately. Nothing makes the girl happier than the whole family sitting around and playing together, and we've played together almost every night lately.

And what I love the most is how the girls are playing together lately. They get along so well, and play together in the playroom. They sit in their matching pottery barn chairs and have snack time and watch Diego and laugh together. I love seeing them be friends.

Health update!

I should have blogged this a couple weeks ago but I've been pretty busy getting back in the swing of things!

Monday February 13th I had a spinal tap and it was...rough. It was pretty painful. The good thing was my opening pressure was much lower than a couple of months ago so my condition is improving! The bad thing was I developed a spinal headache (a leak from where they poked the hole inside) and I was out of commission for about a whole week. I couldn't stand up without having a terrible headache. It was bad enough that I would fall into the wall if I stood up, so I didn't get out of bed except to use the bathroom.

My in-laws were all SO amazingly helpful throught the week, coming over to keep me company, helping around the house, dropping off and picking up the girls. It was so hard. I consider myself a productive person and I got pretty depressed that I couldn't go anywhere, or do anything to help Ben and the girls.

Finally Saturday the 17th I felt better and started getting up and moving around, but really it wasn't until Monday the 20th that I was back to myself. I luckily had the day off for president's day and I got the laundry caught up, and played with the girls.

Fast forward a couple of weeks and I had a follow up appointment with my neurologist. I'm staying on my (terrible, horrible, no-good, very bad) medication, but I'm stable enough that I don't have to go back to the neurologist for three months, and I just need to contact him if I notice my symptoms returning or worsening. My optic nerves still aren't back to normal, but they look much better than they did when this all started. Something about the ridges is still off and I wonder if this is why I (on occasion) notice my vision go out of focus for a second or so.

So that's where we are! I'm pretty stable with my weightloss, I need to keep that up, and I need to pay close attention to my body. I still feel that by the end of the year I'll be in a very different place than I was a whole year prior. This is a journey, and I'm really in the beginning :)

Upcoming treatment

I had a nice long streak of improvement with my PTC, but as of this past weekend my symptoms have been returning. Also, my optic nerves are beginning to swell again (at least I KNOW what's happening). I went to the Neurologist Wednesday and weighing my treatment options we decided the best course is for me to get another Spinal Tap to measure the pressure on my brain, and to draw some fluid off thus immediately relieving my symptoms.

It's not exactly a pleasant process but I do have a very high pain tolerance and the pain of the procedure is nothing compared to the relief I feel afterwards. I immediately feel better, my headache goes away and my eyes feel better.

So the soonest I could get the LP (Lumbar Puncture, another term for Spinal Tap) is Monday at 10:30. I went ahead and took the whole day off because I do feel pretty woozy afterwards and I'm sure I'll need to rest. And sweet HusBen took the day off to hit up one of our favorite haunts (Scott and White Hospital) and babysit me afterwards.

I anticipate a quiet weekend at home. Today my only plans are resting and doing laundry. All week I've been pretty worn out, and I've just ignored any messes or laundry accumulating around me because it's what I've HAD to do. Getting through the work day, playing with my girls and getting to bed early is about all I'm accomplishing. And I'm fine with that! So, if you wouldn't mind, keep me in your prayers Monday morning, I would appreciate that.

Strength

I saw this quote and felt the need to share it today. Today it's been 6 weeks since I was diagnosed with PTC. I've seen some dark days. I've had some really sad moments. I've felt despair. It is so hard to believe it's only been 6 weeks since all this began. I'm in a BETTER place now than I was when it all began. I've gained strength from this struggle. I've gained new perspective. I feel like my vision has been readjusted and I see things so much differently now.

Superficially I'm looking different. I chopped off my hair, I've dropped 22 pounds, I'm a couple of sizes smaller. But my perspective and priorities are way more important. The things I stressed out about before just don't matter to me. I used to put way too much pressure on myself, have unrealistic expectations of myself, and I wouldn't stop until I met those expectations. Things that are GOOD things became like a false idol because I was a slave to those things.

Now six weeks in I'm to this place where I feel pretty good. I'm still on the max dose of my medication so I'm exhausted all the time, but in the 14 hours I can stay awake during the day I try to make the most of it. It's OK that one of my top priorities right now is taking care of myself, resting, eating healthy, exercising. I've put myself last for a long time, and it's what got me in this situation.

I do try to make the most of my lunch hour so that I can enjoy my time at home with my family at night. And things that I might have overlooked or dismissed before with the girls get an extra pause, and some extra attention now. Making all over Betsy's boo boo and making sure she has special Dora band aids when she needs them. This morning I walked in on finding the girls playing dolls together in Betsy's room, when she should have been putting her shoes on. But rather than rushing her I talked to the girls about their dollies, gave them some extra snuggles and let them play for five more minutes.

I've also received the news from my doctor that having more biological children shouldn't be in my plan for the future. I've been a little sad about that. I have cherished my moments with my girls this week. This is IT. These are my babies, and they won't be babies for long.

I do believe that God doesn't give us more than we can handle. And I also believe that everything happens for a reason. When you're in that dark moment it is SO hard sometime to understand his reasons but I prayed and prayed in the hospital asking for God to comfort me when I felt so alone, and confiding my trust in him with my future.

I'm thankful that God gave me this struggle so I could gain this strength.