Strength

I saw this quote and felt the need to share it today. Today it's been 6 weeks since I was diagnosed with PTC. I've seen some dark days. I've had some really sad moments. I've felt despair. It is so hard to believe it's only been 6 weeks since all this began. I'm in a BETTER place now than I was when it all began. I've gained strength from this struggle. I've gained new perspective. I feel like my vision has been readjusted and I see things so much differently now.

Superficially I'm looking different. I chopped off my hair, I've dropped 22 pounds, I'm a couple of sizes smaller. But my perspective and priorities are way more important. The things I stressed out about before just don't matter to me. I used to put way too much pressure on myself, have unrealistic expectations of myself, and I wouldn't stop until I met those expectations. Things that are GOOD things became like a false idol because I was a slave to those things.

Now six weeks in I'm to this place where I feel pretty good. I'm still on the max dose of my medication so I'm exhausted all the time, but in the 14 hours I can stay awake during the day I try to make the most of it. It's OK that one of my top priorities right now is taking care of myself, resting, eating healthy, exercising. I've put myself last for a long time, and it's what got me in this situation.

I do try to make the most of my lunch hour so that I can enjoy my time at home with my family at night. And things that I might have overlooked or dismissed before with the girls get an extra pause, and some extra attention now. Making all over Betsy's boo boo and making sure she has special Dora band aids when she needs them. This morning I walked in on finding the girls playing dolls together in Betsy's room, when she should have been putting her shoes on. But rather than rushing her I talked to the girls about their dollies, gave them some extra snuggles and let them play for five more minutes.

I've also received the news from my doctor that having more biological children shouldn't be in my plan for the future. I've been a little sad about that. I have cherished my moments with my girls this week. This is IT. These are my babies, and they won't be babies for long.

I do believe that God doesn't give us more than we can handle. And I also believe that everything happens for a reason. When you're in that dark moment it is SO hard sometime to understand his reasons but I prayed and prayed in the hospital asking for God to comfort me when I felt so alone, and confiding my trust in him with my future.

I'm thankful that God gave me this struggle so I could gain this strength.