Upcoming treatment

I had a nice long streak of improvement with my PTC, but as of this past weekend my symptoms have been returning. Also, my optic nerves are beginning to swell again (at least I KNOW what's happening). I went to the Neurologist Wednesday and weighing my treatment options we decided the best course is for me to get another Spinal Tap to measure the pressure on my brain, and to draw some fluid off thus immediately relieving my symptoms.

It's not exactly a pleasant process but I do have a very high pain tolerance and the pain of the procedure is nothing compared to the relief I feel afterwards. I immediately feel better, my headache goes away and my eyes feel better.

So the soonest I could get the LP (Lumbar Puncture, another term for Spinal Tap) is Monday at 10:30. I went ahead and took the whole day off because I do feel pretty woozy afterwards and I'm sure I'll need to rest. And sweet HusBen took the day off to hit up one of our favorite haunts (Scott and White Hospital) and babysit me afterwards.

I anticipate a quiet weekend at home. Today my only plans are resting and doing laundry. All week I've been pretty worn out, and I've just ignored any messes or laundry accumulating around me because it's what I've HAD to do. Getting through the work day, playing with my girls and getting to bed early is about all I'm accomplishing. And I'm fine with that! So, if you wouldn't mind, keep me in your prayers Monday morning, I would appreciate that.

Strength

I saw this quote and felt the need to share it today. Today it's been 6 weeks since I was diagnosed with PTC. I've seen some dark days. I've had some really sad moments. I've felt despair. It is so hard to believe it's only been 6 weeks since all this began. I'm in a BETTER place now than I was when it all began. I've gained strength from this struggle. I've gained new perspective. I feel like my vision has been readjusted and I see things so much differently now.

Superficially I'm looking different. I chopped off my hair, I've dropped 22 pounds, I'm a couple of sizes smaller. But my perspective and priorities are way more important. The things I stressed out about before just don't matter to me. I used to put way too much pressure on myself, have unrealistic expectations of myself, and I wouldn't stop until I met those expectations. Things that are GOOD things became like a false idol because I was a slave to those things.

Now six weeks in I'm to this place where I feel pretty good. I'm still on the max dose of my medication so I'm exhausted all the time, but in the 14 hours I can stay awake during the day I try to make the most of it. It's OK that one of my top priorities right now is taking care of myself, resting, eating healthy, exercising. I've put myself last for a long time, and it's what got me in this situation.

I do try to make the most of my lunch hour so that I can enjoy my time at home with my family at night. And things that I might have overlooked or dismissed before with the girls get an extra pause, and some extra attention now. Making all over Betsy's boo boo and making sure she has special Dora band aids when she needs them. This morning I walked in on finding the girls playing dolls together in Betsy's room, when she should have been putting her shoes on. But rather than rushing her I talked to the girls about their dollies, gave them some extra snuggles and let them play for five more minutes.

I've also received the news from my doctor that having more biological children shouldn't be in my plan for the future. I've been a little sad about that. I have cherished my moments with my girls this week. This is IT. These are my babies, and they won't be babies for long.

I do believe that God doesn't give us more than we can handle. And I also believe that everything happens for a reason. When you're in that dark moment it is SO hard sometime to understand his reasons but I prayed and prayed in the hospital asking for God to comfort me when I felt so alone, and confiding my trust in him with my future.

I'm thankful that God gave me this struggle so I could gain this strength.

Happy Update!

The results of my eye appointment are as follows!

My blind spots have shrunk down to the size of normal blind spots (everyone has them!).

My vision improved in the last month from 20/40 to 20/25. And the doctor is confident it will continue to improve.

My optic nerves look MUCH better, I think the swelling is all gone, but there's still some irritation that's healing, and the doctor thinks it will resolve itself in the next month.

SO I don't have to go back for 3 more months... YAY!!! And I'm off to google optic nerves so I can see what they were describing to me...

Can you read the bottom line?

I have an appointment with my eye specialist this morning. I'm a bit apprehensive about it (though no where near as nervous as I was at my first appointment with him a month ago). I'm just nervous because my eyes have felt so sensitive and they put drops in and make me look at so much stuff, and strain my eyes and it's just overall not pleasant. Let's put it this way: I'm looking forward to my annual visit with my lady doctor next week than I am to go back to the eye doctor.

On the other hand, I REALLY love the DOCTOR specifically. He is the nicest man, and asked to pray for me after our appointment and it was the first time in a couple of weeks I felt in the RIGHT hands with my treatment. So I'm looking forward to seeing him, just not what they're gonna do to me.

On a happy note, I'll bet my test results (field of vision test, color blind test, distance vision, etc.) will all show an improvement. I'll report back on the details later. I'm pretty sure after my brush with blindness I'll never again take for granted the ability to see again.

On the road again...

No *I* am not going on the road again. I'm a wee bit too scared to get too far from my team of doctors :)

But my CAR is on the road again! We shipped that bad boy back to Centex after Ben flew back with the girls (and no luggage) and I flew back (with no luggage). So the car is FULL of our luggage, Christmas presents and all kind of things we miss having (like a second garage door opener, blue jeans, pajama pants, and face wash and moisturizer).

ETA for the Highlander is TODAY but it could be tomorrow, or at the latest Sunday. I would LOVE for it to come today so I can spend the weekend unpacking and organizing everything, not to mention return my mother-in-law's car she has so graciously loaned to me for the past three weeks. Seriously THREE WEEKS. That was such an amazing thing for her to do for us.

It's too bad there's no "track your truck" link I can stalk like I can my amazon.com packages, I'd be all over that!

Daddy's girl, Mama's girl

Ben has been gone a whole lot this month with soccer tournaments. Poor Betsy, she is such a Daddy's Girl, I'm trying my best to fill the void when he's gone. At night, if Ben is traveling she cries "I want my DADDEEEEEEEE!!" and I usually end up keeping her in bed with me and snuggling her all night. She's become more of a Mama's girl with this change of routine.

Sweet Ella is a TOTAL Mama's girl. She walks around concentrating really hard saying "Mamamamamamama". She has a new tooth coming through and she's sleeping so poorly at night... guess who else usually ends up snuggling me for a while each night?

I love those girls, and the reaction I get when I pick them up from school or from my in-laws is priceless. Betsy says "My Mommy Mommy Mommy, I LOVE my Mommy!" and gives me huge hugs. Ella says "Mamamamamama" and toddles over and throws her hands up indicating it's time she gets picked up.

Even though it's chaotic parenting alone sometimes, I do really enjoy my "Girl's night in" with EJB and ECB.

Lifestyle change

My previous blog talked a bit about my health condition so I thought I would blog about how the past two weeks have been different from the past few years!

I've always considered myself organized, I plan ahead. The one area of my life that I just 'let go' and felt 'too tired' to control would be cooking, eating healthy, and exercising. I made a lot of excuses to myself about how hard it is to balance working full time, and raising two babies, and doing all the other stuff I do. But what I understand now is that all the other stuff is pretty much secondary to my health.

My days looks a lot different now, though I know I'm still pretty sick with my PTC. It just makes me tired. I don't stop for breakfast on the way to work. I don't run out for an unhealthy lunch. The night before I plan my breakfast, lunch, and snacks for the next day, weight and measure them out, pack them up so in the morning I just grab them to go. We have several health meal options in the fridge so at night I just heat up one of those, most often a grilled chicken salad.

There are no junk food options for Betsy and Ella. I'm not saying we don't still keep a box of goldfish and nilla wafers, but the majority of what we all eat is fresh fruits and veggies, grilled meats, cheese, nuts. There is no diet coke or coke in the house. I spend my lunch hour walking around campus to burn calories. It is AMAZING the amount of money I'm saving not eating out at all.

Ben is anxious for me to start lifting weights with him, but I told him I would let him know when I feel ready to add that in to my new routine. Slowly but steadily the pounds are coming off, and consequently I have noticed my vision improving in the last week. This is SO wonderful, I was having a hard time with my vision loss. I'm excited to go back to the optho in a couple weeks and have them do the field of vision tests to determine how much it's improved.

I titled this post lifestyle change because that's what this HAS to be for me. I cannot allow myself to become so overweight again. It's really freeing to have no option of giving this up. I haven't really had the urge to cheat or fall of the bandwagon yet, though I know there will come a day when I have an unhealthy meal...and I will get right back on track, because I have no other option.

So I'll keep you all updated with my weight loss. And I'll keep you updated with my PTC, and for now we just slowly get healthier. It's kinda fun knowing I'll end the year so much healthier and in-shape than i started it.