I know there are complications that women can have with pregnancy that are much more severe and scary than pre-eclampsia. I've been reflecting a lot on how having pre-eclampsia has developed my perspective on having babies. My views haven't changed much, but has made them much more intense and resolved.
I know I took for granted the ability to have children before I was married and really thought about creating a baby with Ben. I don't do this so much anymore. I know too many people who have struggled to conceive, couples who have had to undergo expensive and painful fertility treatments, or women who lost the baby (or several babies) in miscarriages, or who carried the baby full term and the baby was stillborn, or even the child became a part of their lives for a couple hours, days or months before going to heaven.
Some of these people are online friends of mine. Some are friends I've known for many years, and some are family. I'll share these stories with Ben when I'm made aware of them and we truly grieve for these families. Betsy has become such an integral part of our lives that the thought of another family missing or losing that makes our hearts ache. While Ben is a man's man, in other ways he is the most sensitive man I have ever met.
When Ben and I first found out I was pregnant with Betsy we would say "We just want a healthy baby." This was true, however we may have had a couple secret wishes lurking deep in the back of our mind like...we just want a (super intelligent, athletic, good looking) healthy baby. Who doesn't hope for those things for their child? God gave us Betsy and she is just about as perfect as we could have ever hoped for. Does she throw tantrums on occasion? Of course. But overall we couldn't be happier with how things have gone.
After Betsy was born when I got sick, I remember being in the hospital and feeling I would never get well. I was one week postpartum and separated from my newborn, and miserable. When I finally broke out/ was released from the hospital my perspective on having a newborn was that it was easy. I've never felt super frustrated, so sleep deprived that I just wanted her to shut up and fall asleep. I'm not the post patient of all people so I don't know why I thought motherhood was so easy, but I think the short time I had to be away from my baby and unable to care for her at the very beginning developed my appreciation for her.
Now with this pregnancy we've determined at 20 weeks pregnant that I was already on the road to pre-eclampsia again and it terrified me! I was very distraught for a couple of days while it sank in that at 20 weeks pregnant I was in pretty bad shape. In the last week I've started having contractions which further scared me into thinking I'm going to go into premature labor and have a micro preemie baby.
I'm not trying to be a drama queen. I checked in with my doctor and they think everything is OK based on the information I've given them, but I have an appointment tomorrow and I'm looking forward to spilling my guts to my doctor about what's been happening with my body. I've been doing everything I can to avoid high blood pressure. I've been laying down at least twice a day with my feet up. I check my blood pressure regularly. I'm eating healthy. But starting contractions scares me. I can't have this baby this early! I'm in my 24th week! I need to make it at least 6 more weeks, preferably 13 more weeks for this baby to have sufficient time to develop.
What brought this blog post about was my mom's visit this weekend. There are things I don't even want to blurt out to Ben because I don't want to get him worked up and worried. But saying aloud "I'm worried I'm going to go into labor too early and she won't survive. I'm worried I'll get too sick to take care of her. I'm worried I'll lose this baby and won't be able to go through pregnancy again." not to mention articulating lesser worries "I worry I'll get put on bed rest and be unable to take care of Betsy. I worry how we'll pay my medical bills if I can't work. I worry it's bad for the baby that I worry."
We mean it when we say "We just want a healthy baby." I pray for her all the time.
7 comments:
Oh Shannon, thinking of you a lot. I am sorry this is so hard and that you are so worried about the 2nd Baby B. Thinking about you and Ben and Betsy!
Thanks Katie! I'm in a really good place today, but we all wallow in worries on occasion and I think I had been doing that last week.
Shan, I think those worries are pretty common after going through something so traumatic after Betsy was born. Those "blinders" tend to come off and you worry continously and wait for the other ball to drop.
You are doing everything in your power to keep your little girl safe and I'm sure your doctor is doing the same thing for both of you. You doctor sounds like she is very understanding and will help ease some of your worries. Everyone is in our prayers and know that we are here if you need anything!
I pray for her too! 1 Peter 5:7 says “cast all your anxiety on Him because he cares for you.” This is a great website that talks about worry: http://www.gotquestions.org/Bible-worry.html
Girl, I have 100% been there. I worried every single day of my pregnancy with Connor that he was going to be one of my NICU babies. I think once you have the perspective, you feel so incredibly lucky to have "made it" with a healthy one and you worry that you won't be that lucky again.
I continue to pray for you and 2.0 continuously and you are always welcome to email me if you want to chat or vent.
praying for you and your whole family! ~CC
I'm keeping yo, the baby, Ben & Betsy all in my prayers. I think your worry is completely understandable, but I sincerely hope that it turns out to be unfounded.
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